Out of Despair and Into the Light

Ever since I was little, I attended Scottsdale Bible—from Sunday school to high school youth group. I remember praying to accept Christ into my heart with my mom, sitting in the little seat attached to a shopping cart. I was so young then, I didn’t fully comprehend His love and relationship to me. As I got older, I enjoyed church because my friends were there. Even in high school, I had a shallow view of Christ and went to youth group because I was liked and it was a fun time. After graduating from high school in 2009, my life changed radically.

I had plans to work at a camp in California for two months that summer, but I was only there two weeks. I thought I would be attending Azusa Pacific University in the fall, but at the last minute, I didn’t. I was feeling emotions I had never felt before of sadness and almost a sense of loss, even though no one had left my life.

After I returned from camp, I thought my family’s support would help my emotional state, but I continued in a downward spiral. I began to fill the emptiness I felt with smoking and going out. On July 31, 2009, I went into my older sister’s room at 1am and woke her up to ask if she had a cigarette. Before going into her room, the depression I had been dealing with was so intense that when she said she didn’t have a cigarette, I started to get really anxious. It was so bad I fell onto the carpet and started shaking. My sister quickly woke my parents and called 911.

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital with people asking me questions. I stayed four days because of a bad reaction to the medication they gave me, and then the doctors sent me to Banner, a mental health facility. I was there only one night and told my parents I would do anything to never go back again.

Even though I said I would work on myself, I continued to lie to my parents about what I was doing. I was so selfish and rude to them, even though they were doing all they could to help.

My parents finally made the decision to take me to Meier Clinic in Texas. There, I went to classes all day for three weeks to treat my depression and anxiety. Looking back, I realize what a benefit the clinic could have been, but my heart was hard and I was so distant from God. I didn’t understand why He was letting me go through such despair. When I got back, I became so ashamed of some things I had done while I was in Texas, how desperate I had become getting involved with a guy I didn’t even know and in such a toxic way.

I didn’t tell anyone about it for six months and the shame I felt just turned into depression. I began to use food to help me try to cope and numb how I was feeling, but the weight I gained made me feel even worse. One day, I felt so disgusted with who I had become that I cut off all my hair until it was a buzz cut. I didn’t care anymore about myself, let alone take care of myself. At 20 years old, I had been experiencing this depression for a year and was hitting rock bottom.

That was a turning point. Over the next couple months, I gradually started listening to the advice my parents and sisters had given me throughout this journey. I started to talk to the Lord again and began reading His Word. Through it, He told me who I was, and how much He deeply loved and accepted me.

Today the Word of God is my guidance and direction for every area of my life. It is where I get my identity and where I have learned so much about who Jesus is and how I can be more like Him. The Lord assured me that He would fully forgive me of my past and make me a new person in Him.

I also got connected with a Christian counselor and developed a routine to take better care of myself and my basic needs. I started seeing myself differently. I saw a nutritionist who helped me come to a healthy understanding of food, and my counselor helped give me the skills to cope with my depression and anxiety.

Numerous little things contributed to my recovery, but I give the full credit to Jesus Christ. He truly brought me out of my despair and into His glorious light. He didn’t do it all in one day, but little by little, as I was willing.

The Lord has shown me what a healer He is to His children. He instilled in me a deep confidence that if He brought me out of such a hard time in my life, He could bring me out of anything. He allowed an emotional struggle in my life to show me how much I need Him.

Even though the Lord saved me from the lowest lows in my life, I still struggle with depression on a daily basis and I know it has helped me relate with so many other people. The difference is, now I have wisdom and knowledge from Christ that no emotion can overpower. He tells me I am a new person, a new creation in Him, and has spoken so clearly to me through Psalm 34. I am so thankful I’m not the same person I was four years ago. He truly changed me from the inside out and for that I give Him all the glory and praise.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

Jenny Limmer is now 23 and pursuing an Elementary Education degree from Northern Arizona University.

She attends College Group on Tuesday nights at Scottsdale Bible’s Cactus Campus.