My intense pursuit of God began in the midst of a pity party. I was twenty-five. I remember where I was sitting, how I was sitting, and with whom I was sitting.
My husband and I had just finished our missionary training and began working at the home office of a large mission organization. We were living in a three-story building. On the ground floor were all the offices, and on the second and third floors were the apartments where many of our home office missionaries lived.
I was sitting in the living room of our third-floor apartment with our son, Brian, on my lap. I had finally faced a reality that up until that point I was trying to avoid—we were raising a child with special needs. The weight of it was hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Strangely enough, this wasn’t entirely new to me. My sister was born with a metabolic disorder that wasn’t detected at birth; as a result, she incurred brain damage. However, that experience didn’t alleviate my grief, it added to it. I knew what it was like to be the sibling of someone with special needs. I grieved for my other children; I grieved for my son and what he would face; I grieved for myself and my husband with the uncertainties ahead; I grieved for the interruption this might be to our budding ministry. The grief, the heartache, the weight was heavy and overwhelming!
The grief, the heartache, the weight was heavy and overwhelming!
I sat in a catatonic state like someone staring endlessly at a blank wall. It’s true. It’s real. This is my life… And what would that life be? How would we manage it? What would happen with our son? What would he become? So many uncertainties!
Then my thinking took a painful, isolating turn; I felt so alone. Is there anyone I know outside of my own family circumstances who is dealing with this? Nope—no one! No one knows what I am feeling! No one knows what this is like! Then I proceeded to slowly and painstakingly walk the halls of our building, all in my mind, considering each of my coworkers. I mentally stopped at the door of each apartment and confirmed—They are not dealing with this. Next apartment—They are not dealing with this. Next—Nope, they aren’t… And on I went in this pathetic, discouraging exercise of comparing myself to everyone I knew in the building.
However, I was abruptly snapped out of this depressing exercise by a shocking question that God graciously spoke to my heart, “Who compares to Me?”
What?? “Who compares to You?” The question hung there. It was something I had never considered!
God had allowed this in my life. In fact, He had designed it. In His great sovereignty, He had given His stamp of approval and had decided that this was what He wanted for each person in our family. And quite frankly, I didn’t appreciate it! Who even was He to allow this? And could I trust Him that this was the best for us?
God had allowed this in my life. In fact, He had designed it.
And so it began with that one question, “Who compares to Me?” I was set on a pursuit that continues to this day to know God more intently.
Who does compare to God? Psalm 89:6 tells us, “For Who in all of heaven can compare with the Lord? What mightiest Angel is anything like the Lord?” No one! Psalm 89 goes on to say, “The highest angelic powers stand in awe of God. He is far more awesome than all who surround His throne. O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies! Where is there anyone as mighty as You, O Lord? You are entirely faithful. You rule the oceans. You subdue their storm-tossed waves. You crushed the great sea monster. You scattered Your enemies with Your mighty arm. The heavens are Yours, and the earth is Yours; everything in the world is Yours—You created it all.” (See also Isaiah 40:12-26; Isaiah 46:5; Psalm 40:5; Psalm 113; Jeremiah 10:6-7; 1 Samuel 2:2; 1 Chronicles 17:20)
Have you ever wondered if the hand that God dealt you is best for you; if it’s okay; if it’s under His control? I would never for one second say that I know God’s purposes or understand His ways. I don’t. What I do know is that He is trustworthy and faithful. He is always there for you, and He will see you through! No one compares to Him!
When you don’t know WHY, a personal history with God will tell you WHO. This I have learned in my desperate pursuit to know God! Care to join me on such a pursuit yourself?
(After note: Fast forward many, many years later: ZimZam Global was born and our entire family is blessed to grow and serve at SBC. Who knew? Only God!)