Learning to Walk

My name is Michael, I’m 45 years old, and I grew up and lived in Alaska until moving here two years ago. I had all the outward success people seem to value. I owned a successful company, lots of money, and all the toys I ever wanted. I had only two problems in the world: first, I was a heroin addict, and second, I wanted to die.

Part of what set me on this path was witnessing the traumatic death of my younger brother when I was a child. I carried this burden with me for 35 years, never able to find solace. It wasn’t that I blamed God—for to blame Him, I had to believe in Him. I was an agnostic and had no knowledge of or belief in God.

I had battled alcoholism and drug addiction since I was a young teenager. I thought numbing my feelings would bring comfort and fill the emptiness within my soul that caused me so much pain. I hated the life I was stuck in, but had no idea what to do about it.

I thought the alcohol and drugs were my problem, and a few times, I was able stop. But every time I separated myself from these vices, my life only got slightly better. What didn’t change was a sense of being alone and less than others. I had an emptiness inside that was debilitating.

Eventually I would drink again. Who wouldn’t when you felt like I did? I meant to quit with every fiber of my being, but every time I would use again. And every time, it destroyed another piece of me and added to the shame I already felt.

In July 2012, my life changed drastically. I earned two DUIs in a 4-hour period. The second one was a result of a single-vehicle accident that totaled my truck and nearly killed me. The board of directors of my company had endured enough and gave me no choice but to sell out.

In a matter of 48 hours, I was facing up to five years in jail and the loss of my career. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do next, and no plan to make everything work out. I was lost and didn’t care if I lived or died.

I had tried praying in the past, because people suggested it, but never with any heart or sincerity. After these events, I said what I consider to be my first true prayer with all the passion of a dying man. My sheets were soaked from detoxing from drugs. I was shaking and crying and wondering why I was still alive. I cried out, “God, what do You have for me? Why am I still here? Help me, please!”

From that day, my life changed. I’ve been sober for more than two years now and for the first time since I was a young boy, my heart and soul are at peace.

At first sobriety was very difficult. I was angry, broken, and an emotional wreck. But God put people in front of me and allowed my heart to hear and feel what they told me.

One person suggested I pray in a different way about my brother. Instead of always asking God why, I thanked Him for the time I had with my brother. God started opening and healing my soul.

For the first time since my brother’s death, I was able to remember some good times we had together. Until then, I had no memories of us together—just the accident and the funeral. The new memories were so vivid, I questioned if they were real. I called my mother and she confirmed they really happened. I could see God begin to work in my life when I surrendered to Him and asked Him for direction.

Shortly after this time, I met two men from Scottsdale Bible who invited me to join a group they had started to study scripture and apply it to a life of recovery. Until then, I had never read the Bible, much less discussed Jesus Christ. I’d never talked about how we can live and walk a path with the Lord. It was a brand new experience for me. I was, and still am, a baby learning to walk.

Our group grew in numbers and we now meet at Scottsdale Bible every Tuesday evening. God has used this group of men and this meeting to change my life. Every time we read the Word, it literally is the first time I’ve heard it and I leave floating on air. God and these men touch my heart every week.

As I follow God and learn to walk in His ways, I now live my life by these verses: Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

To find out more about Scottsdale Bible’s confidential Men’s Recovery Group, as well as other support groups and resources, click here.